Blog

i ended up editing my last blog post because it read like someone that just learned how to write sentences. yesterday i felt cognizant for the first time in a while which is nice. felix also reminded me that my other website exists, so hopefully ill get back into that once i figure things out and get a longer stretch of free time. ive been thinking a lot lately about things i'd like to accomplish and trying to be a little more serious about doing those things, but we'll see if my bummy nature will prevail instead...

my addiction to playing stardew valley has come back in full swing at one of the most inopportune times... just these past two weeks ive spent 52 hours playing it... i should get a life...

i feel like i have a lot of things id like to do but i am so naturally disorganized and lack object permanence that i simply forget everything i mean to do immediately. maybe i should make a list.... artistically, ive kind of been suffering; since i have 3 studio classes, i dont have that much time to study. its like i just have to produce fully formed art all the time to the point where when i draw recreationally it doesnt end up looking right. im really excited for this semester to be over. unrelated but i think i might be getting a car soon... my aunt is considering giving away my late uncle's old car (it only has 14,000 miles on it!!) so that could be exciting if it works out. but we'll see :]

i got an A on my music midterm today, which is nice because i was just hoping to pass LMFAO... im a little behind schoolwise but i feel confident that ill catch up easily. im not really sure why i decided to make a new page on this site instead of doing my homework but whatever. yay for the new page. last blog post i was feeling a kind of dread and fear but not so much anymore. i just had a sort of existential fear come over me when i wrote that... my plans for new pages include a music page and a lucifer king page but maybe ill make some more stupid rudimentary pages

i feel a kind of dread and fear

happy october!! the all hallows eve themed editor is so charming...

these days, i feel perpetually a bit exhausted in some way or another-- it's increasingly a bit difficult for me to reply to people and i've isolated myself a bit. i can feel myself getting a little bit dumber and forgetting how to type sentences that don't sound like they come from a pleasant but vaguely uninterested older relative. ive been keeping a lot to myself as of late, which is ironic considering im writing this blog. maybe i don't have the mental capacity to do anything else though-- the blog at least doesn't necessiate a conversation about what i'm saying here.

zero segue here, but here's how my day went today: i had crit and my professor quite liked what i did; after class he looked at some of my paintings (for a different class) and encouraged me to use better canvases in the same way he's always telling me to use better paper. he gave me a nicer canvas, and he and my other professor also ended up gifting me like seven feet of paper. i have no idea what kind of seven foot drawing im going to do but it was a nice moment. i felt like the department's little nepo baby

[starts shrieking]

sad to say we're almost halfway through september. school hasn't been grueling-- i enjoy the classes i'm taking for sure-- but it can be exhausting. after seven hours of back to back classes, there's little i want to do other than take a ill timed nap. it's not too bad, but this isn't really ideal. ugh. my goal from last time is progressing swimmingly, though it's possible i'm a little less thoughtful and a little more braindead these days. i have kind of figured out what i might want for a new site page, but i haven't fully decided. my friend felix recently made a changelog for his story developments and since its format is actually pretty similar to this blog, i think it would function great on a site. that got me thinking about a page idea i never fully committed to making about my own project which was intended to have a similar feature irt its updates. something to think about, but i might have too much on my plate right now to entertain making that in the near future. ack. also, officially one month on testosterone. so far nothing has happened

happy september!! it seems like august just flew by..! i want to get back into updating this website because im in sort of a weird time in my life. it seems like i can never escape being in a weird time in my life these days. i would feel sorry to use this blog as a personal diary but i figure few people read this anyhow. i don't use much social media for this purpose anymore (i dont even have anywhere to post my strange self portraits representing a grievance these days...) or much at all for that matter, so i might as well. here are my self portraits representing a grievance i have: 1 and 2. i never said they were groundbreaking hahah

i think one of my goals is to spend more time with my family and reconnecting with friends. im in a lot of a better place and a recent meeting with friends sort of reminded me of how much we really have in common and how much i loved having them actively participate in my life. we've sort of been on the sidelines of each other's lives for a while now, so it would be nice to reestablish that. perhaps one of my main mistakes in life was focusing my energy in one place rather than spreading it out. maybe that lends itself to strange things. excuse me for being vague. but time really is a flat circle without recognition of patterns-- and you'd think someone with an interest in history would realize that..! Hah!

another thing i'd like to do is spend more time actually doing things rather than talking about doing them (which is what im doing right now) or sharing a sort of work in progress. the sort of pride i have in things that arent even done kind of just stops me from actually doing the thing. an attitude issue for sure, but probably not helped by the neurological issues upstairs. long blog post. im going to think on what i want to do with the site :]

it feels like i just updated this blog but it's been 10 days. jesus. my days are starting to blend into each other. i start school on wednesday which is.. ehh.. i don't think im excited or anxious, i just feel vaguely sad that my summer is coming to an end waah.. hopefully the school year goes well. also im almost 2 weeks on t now.. nothing crazy irt changes but i figure its going to take longer for me specifically since i was already testosterone deficient T_T

hello!! i'm hoping to get back into updating my blog now that my class is over, but sadly the start of actual school looms. i've been fortunate to be spending the last week or so with friends. my best friend just returned from abroad last week and we had a nice dinner. i also got to see two of my friends that i haven't seen in a while and we had a good time as well. things are going really well. i did my first t shot yesterday and i renewed my permit today. i feel quite optimistic and im about to drink a milkshake

i've been busy with school so i haven't blogged in a while! this week is my last week though, so hopefully updates will be more regular after this week.. short update. i just wanted to catalog this moment in time because right now im drawing an artfight attack for my good friend and it's going so well it's like divine intervention. when the drawing's going so well you start getting scared. etc. i have been drawing such shitty art lately and even earlier today that this genuinely feels so crazy to be drawing easily and well. i won't get my hopes up that im finally free from the art shittiness but god.... I Can Do Anything. i won't put the entire thing on the off chance this individual checks my blog but heres a snippet

happy july! hope everyone is doing well. i've been a little bit busy lately between school, artfight, and whatnot, but things have been nice enough. we had our first exam in my class last week, and it was curved so violently that i ended up getting 103% even though i got quite a mediocre natural B on it. apparently the class average was about 41% (so the curve curved those F's into C's) and i worry a bit about this as many of my peers are prospective nurses. ah well. art fight has been nice thus far-- miranda decided to join this year and try it out despite not being much of an artist. she's been improving quite quickly, actually. it's really neat to see. her attack ideas are all quite ambitious in a way that a lot of more experienced artists aren't. super cool. i'm hoping to get an artfight page up here soon enough.

in a previous entry i described miranda and i playing tag and eating ice cream, which gives the impression that we're around 8 and 9 years old. this trend of activity continues-- yesterday she came over and along with other inane activities (pretending to slap each other, spinning around in circles and trying to balance on one foot after, playing ninja) we also participated in the age old tradition of watching someone else play on the computer. we played oregon trail together on my pc (we only had one survivor) and then played facade. brings me back to a simpler time. i love spending time with mirandalo.

what did i even do these past few days... who knows.... art fight is in a couple days now and i still havent done the ref sheets i really wanted to hahahahh oopsie daisies. i have an exam on thursday so im kind of wondering if they'll get done at all. oh well. maybe ill be on the grind friday through monday. Or maybe not.

in other news, i was out of town for the weekend and god was it hot. it was 102 degrees where i was, but it was fine/fun. i got to see some family so that was nice, though im glad to be home now. on sunday after i got home, i went to lunch/dinner with a dear friend and she told me such a horrible story... theres never anything normal going on in her life... that aside though, it was overall a very pleasant outing and i was glad to see her!!! later that evening i also got to play toontown with felix, which was really awesome. we checked out two of the new facilities and also did like every minigame in the game. i have no idea how long we played, but it was definitely more than a couple hours. i had a good time!

here's a picture of our toons

today miranda came over and we had a swell time together! we did basically nothing... we attempted to play tag but then got tired and winded after about seven minutes (embarrassing. but the two minutes i was running at full speed were so indescribably blissful in ways i struggle to articulate), then walked around for a bit after having some ice cream. after while she helped me make dinner, which was delious. we had salmon, broccoli, and rice, a classic combo. i even picked a lemon from outside for us to use :] then we just hung out and drew for a bit before she went home. the perfect summer day...

lets just say i didnt pass

better luck next time!

feeling fine now-- figured id write a blog to update on that front. i had my first day of summer school yesterday and it was fine, nothing to really write home (or blog?) about... tomorrow is my driving test to determine if i get licensed so im more than a little nervous about that. earlier today i drove around the surrounding dmv area to get somewhat familarized but im still not that confident about my passing chances. miranda asked about my confidence irt passing or failing in percentages and i told her 75% chance i fail and 25% chance i pass if that gives any indication of how im feeling about driving tomorrow. weirdly, i dont have much anxiety about driving, just being evaluated on it. please pray for me

all good things must come to an end and today was the end of my good mood. i had a bit of a nervous breakdown today. nothing really happened today to warrant it, i just sort of started the day off in a weird mood and a couple frankly benign but slightly stressful/annoying things exacerbated the weird mood until i got home and bent myself out of shape for no reason. i cried for about three hours-- i find that if i start crying while im by myself that i for some reason start racing to lower my self esteem into the center of the earth and make myself feel as horrible as possible? anyways after i calmed down i wanted to eat, only to find ants in the microwave, so that was also fun. i have probably eaten about three to four ants in the past two days.

nervous breakdown aside, today my dad took me out to drive, which is really funny because he thinks i can read his mind and also expects me to disregard specific traffic laws. i think i learned a bit though, which is nice. any practice is good for me. while on that drive, i checked out where my class tomorrow is, and since they're doing construction on the building, you have to go through this strange catacomb to get to the classroom... the professor who showed me the way also mistook me for a 17 year old, so that was kind of embarrassing (this is always happening to me though). i also did some laundry and mailed a letter + some postcards to my good friend. that reminds me, i should really write my penpal back...

today i kind of did nothing again. that's okay. actually i ate a really good steak sandwich, so that's something. tomorrow is father's day so i did spend a little bit of time getting things ready since we're having family over. i made my godfather a banana cream pie (well. it's not finished yet, i still have to put whipped cream on it, but i'm waiting for it to set) and i still have to make my dad a card. whenever i make my dad a card it always takes me 1 million years to think of what to draw for it whereas for my mom i always draw her some flowers lol. also about the pie, banana cream pies always remind me of toontown whenever i make them, so i always have the urge to throw them when i hold them. luckily i haven't acted on this urge yet, but maybe it's because i haven't encountered a cog. i'm still in the relatively good mood i mentioned last time though i was battling horrible restlessness today so i had to go take a walk several times... we will see if this improves at all.

oh yeah one of the things i wanted to say in a previous entry (but then i fell asleep) was that i feel beautifully flattered when a friend reveals to me that they are so comfortable in my presence that they feel like they do not have to put up the fronts of normal social interaction. that is such a wonderful thing and i cherish it deeply. i am eager for one of the friends who revealed such to me to return from her adventures abroad and come home to play with me because i miss her dearly. i ought to make her a page here one of these days

life is beautiful... i am feeling so good... well. actually i think i have bronchitis so im not feeling THAT good, but mentally i am doing well. a rare treat for me. lately i have felt pretty irritated and unsatisfied with my state of self especially because of the continuing issues with getting hrt (i had an experience last week where i spent two hours calling between the clinic, my health insurance, and the wider medical group. it was unpleasant and i still ended up without an appointment). but im trying not to dwell on it so much and focus on other things instead... despite it all i stay in a good mood. lets hope it stays around for a while

happy to say i am back from vacation. as much as i love the beach and the sun i started to miss my computer... that might sound pathetic to some but that is my truth. sadly on my excursion i accumulated a bunch of bug bites and a cough so i hope those will all go away soon. im a little tired writing this post on account of getting 3 hours of sleep and failing to sleep on the way home so im excited to sleep (in my own bed..). in a couple of days i start school for the summer; i havent decided if im looking forward to it or dreading it yet. my driver's test is also coming up and i have decided that im quite nervous to fail it aahhhhh!!! anyways the past few days have been nice-- ive been able to talk to people i have been meaning to speak with and had such a lovely time doing so. i love my friends very much. i have a bit more to say but i can feel my eyes wanting to close as i type this so it will have to wait until tomorrow

long time no blog-- im currently on vacation which means im typing this on my phone. i think that editing a website on your phone is probably a mortal sin but im prepared to go to hell if so. ive been getting lots of sun and eating great food, but more than that im actually relaxing... these days i always have this horrible tension in my body and a stifled restlessness, so its nice to .. Not have that. last time i tried to go on vacation and The Beach, i was really horribly sick with some kind of flu, so im glad to not be coughing up my mucus this time. hope everyone else is enjoying the start of june : ]

what have i been doing for the past few days? im not quite sure myself. yesterday miranda came over and we tried to paint each other-- it went about as well as you'd expect. it was actually my first time using that paint so i was a little out of my depth. it couldve gone better but i think it looks alright. miranda said she thinks the painting she did of me looks like a cross between kris jenner and steve buscemi...

earlier today it was my baby cousin's 4th birthday, which was dinosaur themed. they had trivia questions posted around the backyard; the questions were things like "what's his favorite dinosaur?" and we all kept asking him to gain an advantage for the eventual quiz later but he kept changing his answers so no one could answer correctly.. so funny. i was horribly exhausted at the party on account of sleep deprivation, but it's always quite nice to be around family. lately i find myself repeating sort of superficial answers to smalltalk questions just because there have been so many instances where i'm seeing more distant family (like for funerals and graduations and so on) so it's kind of nice to be around family i'm closer to and answer questions like "what have you been up to?" with stupid inane bullshit not unlike what i write in these blogs instead of recounting my academic performance the past semester.

unrelated but ive been in kind of a weird, restless, transitional place in my life recently and its vaguely uncomfortable. i dont know what thats about. theres a marked incongruence between myself internally and my physical appearance/what im doing/how my life is going/etc. i just feel really disconnected from the idea of myself and how i present that idea to other people. it feels like the person ive been for the past couple of years, maybe since i was seventeen or eighteen, has been against my nature. i reckon this has a lot to do with my self imposed restrictions on how i can act in order to mitigate getting misgendered, which mostly entails not speaking or drawing attention to myself almost at all. honestly a sad way to live. oh well

im currently extremely inebriated so i figured i would write a blog post here. today was nice, i picked up tamales then had a friend over to drink. it was a really splendid time and im glad i had him over :] since im up by myself now im spinning heaven or las vegas and trying to draw. i tried to draw some of my ocs but i dont know if i did that well LMFAO (click here to see my drunken attempt at drawing jimmy). okay bye now :]

after that last post i ended up going to bed, waking up two hours later, and promptly throwing up... so sad. i didnt do much today-- i went to the dentist (my teeth are all good!) and ran a lot of errands but other than that ive just been loafing about. im planning a lucifer king page in ms paint at the moment but thatsabout all i have going on right now. i did finally make a button for the site but perhaps its not the most creative...

i promise ill have a non-blog site update soon... today i scheduled my driving test which is exciting. police officers look away but this entire time ive been driving without a license since ive been putting it off for so long, so im excited to finally have that piece of plastic. im a little scared i wont pass but hopefully everything will go well. yesterday i did a single ref sheet (see it here) and i also redrew an old artfight attack i did two years ago (see here). whenever im feeling a little weird artwise i like to redraw old drawings since the posing and whatnot is already sorted out and i can just zone out :] plus its nice to see the old and new side by side; i like to think ive improved. today i attempted to draw two reference sheets but i got tired and didnt after all -_-' i did do a shitty little doodle over a previous unfinished lineup of my 1920s-30s characters (see it here). its not all of the characters from that part of the story but definitely a good number of them. it is notably missing ida, but im not really sure how much of a role she plays in lawrence's life (though i should really figure that out...) ow my stomach hurts goodbye

i just got home from being out of town for a couple days... unfortunately i wasnt out of town for anything fun (i went to a funeral). ive been feeling really restless these last couple of days but also vaguely tired; also i ate way too much today i feel kind of nauseous but it was good :] earlier my cousin and i also stopped by the annual carnival at the middle school i used to go to. it kind of sucked? they used to have rides and stuff rented for the event and a ton of games, but they had maybe 5 games maximum, no rides, and all of the food was overpriced. honestly pretty disappointing, but i got to eat strawberry shortcake so it wasn't horrible. i did try to play A Game since it was being manned by one of my former classmates but unfortunately i did not win despite him giving me two extra turns and trying to cheat a win for me... he also dropped the bowling ball used in the game on his foot while saying it was nice to see me again, which isn't important to the story but i thought id mention it anyways. also, in the past few days ive been trying to sort out some character stuff and fleshed out one of my characters a bit, but a lot of the details arent super clear yet. i mentioned this before but i do want to implement a lucifer king (title of my oc story) changelog or blog or something at some point but i cant decide if i would just format it like this and the updates iframe and put it on this page, or if i should make a lucifer king page and include it there (or perhaps put it here until i make that page?). if you read this post your input on the matter would be appreciated. i think i might take a nap in a few minutes.

grrr.... okay so on april 12th i had a doctor's appointment to get referred to a endocrinologist irt getting on testosterone. my doctor assured me that id be referred with swiftness and that it was important to her that i got on hrt as soon as possible (further context: ive been out as transgender for over 6 years, 7 if counting in my personal life/amongst friends. i was supposed to go on testosterone when i was 17-- im 21 now-- but with the pandemic and a slew of unfortunate personal circumstances i was only able to really get assessed for it when i was 20. when i inquired the FIRST time i got told no on the basis of mental instability and had to wait another 2-3 months for my "mood to even out" ((note about that: diagnosed with major depression since age 15)). after i waited for that, i got referred and my insurance flat out rejected it so i had to run through 100 million insurance related hoops. okay... tried and failed to get in contact with current doctor for another 2 months, and when i finally was able to wrangle an appointment, it was scheduled 2.5 months out... okay..) ANYWAYS she told me i just needed to get a lab done then she'd refer me. i got the lab done (questionable results; also ironically i have abnormally low testosterone levels) and then waited 3 weeks for her to be like "Haha.. the authorization is pending : )" it's been 3 weeks since then (read: a month since she said id get referred "as soon as possible") so i called the clinic i was ALLEGEDLY referred to and they were like "we have no info on a referral for you..." ??????????????????????????? OKAY?????? [bangs my head against the wall]

ack i left my computer idle while i was writing this the first time andit crashed T_T anyhow i was saying that my allergies have been pretty bad today but not as bad as yesterday.. yesterday i was sneezing every 7 minutes or so and there was snot everywhere etc etc. it was bad. i ate really well yesterday too, my sister made a chocolate cake and we went over to my nina's for a barbecue, so everything was very good, especially the grilled shrimp. that aside, today was my last class i mentioned in the last entry so im offically done with school for this semester yahoo!! ive spent the day sort of lounging about and i did two reference sheets for artfight!! check them out: seymour (not back on artfight yet) and rhonda. ive been getting back into using the picker wheel to gameify my artfight prep and solve some of my decision paralysis regarding it, and it's been fun! i used to use the picker wheel a lot like 2ish years ago to play a drawing game where i would spin it and let it pick a ship of two of my characters to draw; id like to do that again (or just the random character button to draw someone) but i admit its not as fun doing it by yourself... oh yeah also i did a little illustration for felix a couple of days ago and i really jibe with how it came out (he did too i think! yay)!! take a looksee here. im not really sure how much i should share about the character here since he is felix's but i will share a bit about the process. this is the first personal piece ive done where i sort of applied my school method of really collecting stuff and taking a while to generate a good idea/trying out different things/making color passes/blocking things out/etc. i know thats not really that impressive and i probably should have started doing that long ago with EVERY illustration, but i really only started doing it this semester because i had a rude awakening about my previous process (just doing it based on vibes...). as for the guy in the picture, his name is victor; he's a perfectionistic inventor struggling with artist's block and it consumes his life force (literally) since he spends so much time on what he hopes will be his magnum opus. long story short, it doesnt end well for him or his invention which is sorta what i was depicting there. hopefully that description did his character justice but i find him to be quite intriguing; i really hope felix continues to flesh out his story. that's basically all for today but ill probably do a couple more reference sheets and update again in a few hours :D

IM FINALLY FREEEEE!!!!!!!!!! i finished my last assignment for the semester today and im more than pleased to be done with the semester. unfortunately, i still have to attend one last class on monday and i also registered to take a class during the summer, but im sure it'll be fine (← hoping this statement doesnt haunt me later). i finally have time to work on this site again, which is nice, because i've been wanting to add this blog feature for a while now. ive made okay progress on restoring the site thus far, but of course there is much more work to be done... i have a lot of ideas for pages that i want to add, especially with artfight coming up, but we'll see if those come to fruition hah. on that note, i'm very very excited for artfight! ive been updating everyone's description (only have joey and lawrence's left to update) and preemptively bookmarking some characters :3