updates whenever, open entries at your leisure


today i kind of did nothing again. that's okay. actually i ate a really good steak sandwich, so that's something. tomorrow is father's day so i did spend a little bit of time getting things ready since we're having family over. i made my godfather a banana cream pie (well. it's not finished yet, i still have to put whipped cream on it, but i'm waiting for it to set) and i still have to make my dad a card. whenever i make my dad a card it always takes me 1 million years to think of what to draw for it whereas for my mom i always draw her some flowers lol. i can get away with still making cards for my parents because i draw them, i think... banana cream pies always remind me of toontown whenever i make them, so i always have the urge to throw them when i hold them. luckily i haven't acted on this urge yet, but maybe it's because i haven't encountered a cog. i'm still in the relatively good mood i mentioned last time though i was battling horrible restlessness today so i had to go take a walk several times... we will see if this improves at all.

oh yeah one of the things i wanted to say in a previous entry (but then i fell asleep) was that i feel beautifully flattered when a friend reveals to me that they are so comfortable in my presence that they feel like they do not have to put up the fronts of normal social interaction. that is such a wonderful thing and i cherish it deeply. i am eager for one of the friends who revealed such to me to return from her adventures abroad and come home to play with me because i miss her dearly. i ought to make her a page here one of these days


life is beautiful... i am feeling so good... well. actually i think i have bronchitis so im not feeling THAT good, but mentally i am doing well. a rare treat for me. lately i have felt pretty irritated and unsatisfied with my state of self especially because of the continuing issues with getting hrt (i had an experience last week where i spent two hours calling between the clinic, my health insurance, and the wider medical group. it was unpleasant and i still ended up without an appointment). but im trying not to dwell on it so much and focus on other things instead... despite it all i stay in a good mood. lets hope it stays around for a while


happy to say i am back from vacation. as much as i love the beach and the sun i started to miss my computer... that might sound pathetic to some but that is my truth. sadly on my excursion i accumulated a bunch of bug bites and a cough so i hope those will all go away soon. im a little tired writing this post on account of getting 3 hours of sleep and failing to sleep on the way home so im excited to sleep (in my own bed..). in a couple of days i start school for the summer; i havent decided if im looking forward to it or dreading it yet. my driver's test is also coming up and i have decided that im quite nervous to fail it aahhhhh!!! anyways the past few days have been nice-- ive been able to talk to people i have been meaning to speak with and had such a lovely time doing so. i love my friends very much. i have a bit more to say but i can feel my eyes wanting to close as i type this so it will have to wait until tomorrow


long time no blog-- im currently on vacation which means im typing this on my phone. i think that editing a website on your phone is probably a mortal sin but im prepared to go to hell if so. ive been getting lots of sun and eating great food, but more than that im actually relaxing... these days i always have this horrible tension in my body and a stifled restlessness, so its nice to .. Not have that. last time i tried to go on vacation and The Beach, i was really horribly sick with some kind of flu, so im glad to not be coughing up my mucus this time. hope everyone else is enjoying the start of june : ]


what have i been doing for the past few days? im not quite sure myself. yesterday miranda came over and we tried to paint each other-- it went about as well as you'd expect. it was actually my first time using that paint so i was a little out of my depth. it couldve gone better but i think it looks alright. miranda said she thinks the painting she did of me looks like a cross between kris jenner and steve buscemi...

earlier today it was my baby cousin's 4th birthday, which was dinosaur themed. they had trivia questions posted around the backyard; the questions were things like "what's his favorite dinosaur?" and we all kept asking him to gain an advantage for the eventual quiz later but he kept changing his answers so no one could answer correctly.. so funny. i was horribly exhausted at the party on account of sleep deprivation, but it's always quite nice to be around family. lately i find myself repeating sort of superficial answers to smalltalk questions just because there have been so many instances where i'm seeing more distant family (like for funerals and graduations and so on) so it's kind of nice to be around family i'm closer to and answer questions like "what have you been up to?" with stupid inane bullshit not unlike what i write in these blogs instead of recounting my academic performance the past semester.

unrelated but ive been in kind of a weird, restless, transitional place in my life recently and its vaguely uncomfortable. i dont know what thats about. theres a marked incongruence between myself internally and my physical appearance/what im doing/how my life is going/etc. i just feel really disconnected from the idea of myself and how i present that idea to other people. it feels like the person ive been for the past couple of years, maybe since i was seventeen or eighteen, has been against my nature. i reckon this has a lot to do with my self imposed restrictions on how i can act in order to mitigate getting misgendered, which mostly entails not speaking or drawing attention to myself almost at all. honestly a sad way to live. oh well


im currently extremely inebriated so i figured i would write a blog post here. today was nice, i picked up tamales then had a friend over to drink. it was a really splendid time and im glad i had him over :] since im up by myself now im spinning heaven or las vegas and trying to draw. i tried to draw some of my ocs but i dont know if i did that well LMFAO (click here to see my drunken attempt at drawing jimmy). okay bye now :]


after that last post i ended up going to bed, waking up two hours later, and promptly throwing up... so sad. i didnt do much today-- i went to the dentist (my teeth are all good!) and ran a lot of errands but other than that ive just been loafing about. im planning a lucifer king page in ms paint at the moment but thatsabout all i have going on right now. i did finally make a button for the site but perhaps its not the most creative...


i promise ill have a non-blog site update soon... today i scheduled my driving test which is exciting. police officers look away but this entire time ive been driving without a license since ive been putting it off for so long, so im excited to finally have that piece of plastic. im a little scared i wont pass but hopefully everything will go well. yesterday i did a single ref sheet (see it here) and i also redrew an old artfight attack i did two years ago (see here). whenever im feeling a little weird artwise i like to redraw old drawings since the posing and whatnot is already sorted out and i can just zone out :] plus its nice to see the old and new side by side; i like to think ive improved. today i attempted to draw two reference sheets but i got tired and didnt after all -_-' i did do a shitty little doodle over a previous unfinished lineup of my 1920s-30s characters (see it here). its not all of the characters from that part of the story but definitely a good number of them. it is notably missing ida, but im not really sure how much of a role she plays in lawrence's life (though i should really figure that out...) ow my stomach hurts goodbye


i just got home from being out of town for a couple days... unfortunately i wasnt out of town for anything fun (i went to a funeral). ive been feeling really restless these last couple of days but also vaguely tired; also i ate way too much today i feel kind of nauseous but it was good :] earlier my cousin and i also stopped by the annual carnival at the middle school i used to go to. it kind of sucked? they used to have rides and stuff rented for the event and a ton of games, but they had maybe 5 games maximum, no rides, and all of the food was overpriced. honestly pretty disappointing, but i got to eat strawberry shortcake so it wasn't horrible. i did try to play A Game since it was being manned by one of my former classmates but unfortunately i did not win despite him giving me two extra turns and trying to cheat a win for me... he also dropped the bowling ball used in the game on his foot while saying it was nice to see me again, which isn't important to the story but i thought id mention it anyways. also, in the past few days ive been trying to sort out some character stuff and fleshed out one of my characters a bit, but a lot of the details arent super clear yet. i mentioned this before but i do want to implement a lucifer king (title of my oc story) changelog or blog or something at some point but i cant decide if i would just format it like this and the updates iframe and put it on this page, or if i should make a lucifer king page and include it there (or perhaps put it here until i make that page?). if you read this post your input on the matter would be appreciated. i think i might take a nap in a few minutes.


grrr.... okay so on april 12th i had a doctor's appointment to get referred to a endocrinologist irt getting on testosterone. my doctor assured me that id be referred with swiftness and that it was important to her that i got on hrt as soon as possible (further context: ive been out as transgender for over 6 years, 7 if counting in my personal life/amongst friends. i was supposed to go on testosterone when i was 17-- im 21 now-- but with the pandemic and a slew of unfortunate personal circumstances i was only able to really get assessed for it when i was 20. when i inquired the FIRST time i got told no on the basis of mental instability and had to wait another 2-3 months for my "mood to even out" ((note about that: diagnosed with major depression since age 15)). after i waited for that, i got referred and my insurance flat out rejected it so i had to run through 100 million insurance related hoops. okay... tried and failed to get in contact with current doctor for another 2 months, and when i finally was able to wrangle an appointment, it was scheduled 2.5 months out... okay..) ANYWAYS she told me i just needed to get a lab done then she'd refer me. i got the lab done (questionable results; also ironically i have abnormally low testosterone levels) and then waited 3 weeks for her to be like "Haha.. the authorization is pending : )" it's been 3 weeks since then (read: a month since she said id get referred "as soon as possible") so i called the clinic i was ALLEGEDLY referred to and they were like "we have no info on a referral for you..." ??????????????????????????? OKAY?????? [bangs my head against the wall]


ack i left my computer idle while i was writing this the first time andit crashed T_T anyhow i was saying that my allergies have been pretty bad today but not as bad as yesterday.. yesterday i was sneezing every 7 minutes or so and there was snot everywhere etc etc. it was bad. i ate really well yesterday too, my sister made a chocolate cake and we went over to my nina's for a barbecue, so everything was very good, especially the grilled shrimp. that aside, today was my last class i mentioned in the last entry so im offically done with school for this semester yahoo!! ive spent the day sort of lounging about and i did two reference sheets for artfight!! check them out: seymour (not back on artfight yet) and rhonda. ive been getting back into using the picker wheel to gameify my artfight prep and solve some of my decision paralysis regarding it, and it's been fun! i used to use the picker wheel a lot like 2ish years ago to play a drawing game where i would spin it and let it pick a ship of two of my characters to draw; id like to do that again (or just the random character button to draw someone) but i admit its not as fun doing it by yourself... oh yeah also i did a little illustration for felix a couple of days ago and i really jibe with how it came out (he did too i think! yay)!! take a looksee here. im not really sure how much i should share about the character here since he is felix's but i will share a bit about the process. this is the first personal piece ive done where i sort of applied my school method of really collecting stuff and taking a while to generate a good idea/trying out different things/making color passes/blocking things out/etc. i know thats not really that impressive and i probably should have started doing that long ago with EVERY illustration, but i really only started doing it this semester because i had a rude awakening about my previous process (just doing it based on vibes...). as for the guy in the picture, his name is victor; he's a perfectionistic inventor struggling with artist's block and it consumes his life force (literally) since he spends so much time on what he hopes will be his magnum opus. long story short, it doesnt end well for him or his invention which is sorta what i was depicting there. hopefully that description did his character justice but i find him to be quite intriguing; i really hope felix continues to flesh out his story. that's basically all for today but ill probably do a couple more reference sheets and update again in a few hours :D


IM FINALLY FREEEEE!!!!!!!!!! i finished my last assignment for the semester today and im more than pleased to be done with the semester. unfortunately, i still have to attend one last class on monday and i also registered to take a class during the summer, but im sure it'll be fine (← hoping this statement doesnt haunt me later). i finally have time to work on this site again, which is nice, because i've been wanting to add this blog feature for a while now. ive made okay progress on restoring the site thus far, but of course there is much more work to be done... i have a lot of ideas for pages that i want to add, especially with artfight coming up, but we'll see if those come to fruition hah. on that note, i'm very very excited for artfight! ive been updating everyone's description (only have joey and lawrence's left to update) and preemptively bookmarking some characters :3